I worked with a nine year old boy for a while and one of his constant complaints was that his belly hurt. He was brought to me for anger issues and anxiety that played out in tantrums and some compulsive behaviors. He worried a lot about what others kids thought and felt that he was a target for much ridicule. We worked on these issues for a long time, aiming to decrease the symptoms of his “hurting belly.”
Each morning, like in many other homes, this little guy lumbered through his morning routine to find himself a good 20 minutes behind the go whistle of when the caravan left for the day. Tension would build in his house and armored defenses would start to rise against the onslaught of “why can’t you ever get it together”, “I am not waiting another minute for you”, “I am so sick of this – get in the damn car.”
There he would be, one shoe on and a backpack overflowing with week-old papers jammed into the random unzipped pockets. He’d make it to the car, greeted by snarling faces. “Ouch” he would cringe to himself, “I don’t feel so great again.” Groundhog day as they would pull up to the front door of school. One last unsuccessful attempt to brush down his tangled hair and off he’d go to battle the day.
11:00 AM. Fidgets. More fidgets and finally it would pass. 1:00 PM. That belly pain is back. Squirm, slump, ignore. He managed to distract himself until the bell finally rang.
“How was school today?” Mom would ask. “Fine.” “You have any homework?” “Yes.” “How much?” “A little.” “Let’s get it done as soon as you get home. You want a snack?” “Yes.”
“Did you poop???” This was never part of the routine. The question never asked, the comfort never there to say, “Hey mom, are you too embarrassed to use the bathroom when you are out somewhere?”
He just wouldn’t go IN THERE. You see, a boy cannot get caught in “THE STALL.” Laughter, people “knowing”, embarrassment. It all happens on the way to and during their visit to the throne. If you enter the stall, you might as well scream “Hey school, look at me, I am pooping!”
So he would hold it. And suffer through the day with belly pains that he couldn’t talk about or understand. School was uncomfortable. A place where he had to make sure he was not ever a target. He was darn sure he wasn’t going to be the boy caught in THE STALL.
You see, girls are the lucky ones when it comes to using the restroom. There is no option but to use a stall and you could be blowing your nose in there for all anyone else knows. We rattle the toilet paper roll, flush three times or cough hard enough to drown out any unwanted and unpleasant sounds. Some of us don’t prefer to poop anywhere but home, but when nature calls, many will give in. Not so for boys. They hold it. All day. And then their belly hurts.
Morning may be the only shot they’ve got to avoid getting all backed up. Consider the possibility that during the morning rush, your son may be saying “mom, I can’t get my crap together”, “I am all backed up”, “I feel cramped for time”, “I can’t bare it”, “it’ too hard to get out on time” or “I’ve got a knot in my stomach.”
Wet toilet paper thrown over the stall, giggles and gossip, bullies and pranks or just plain worry stops our little guys from taking care of business during the day.
What can you do? Talk to him. Talk about normal bathroom etiquette. Like how often he should try to go so that his stomach does not hurt. If he reveals to you that school is an absolute NO WAY, make sure to create a plan so that the morning rush turns into an opportunity to practice some self-care. What would this look like? Let’s make a schedule. Let’s say the morning caravan leaves at 8:15 AM.
6:45 – wake up. Clothes picked out the night before and next to the bed. Take 30 minutes to get dressed, brush teeth, fix hair and get the body moving. Say good morning to everyone in the family.
7:15 – breakfast and make lunches. Drink a full glass of water with breakfast. Attempt to eat something warm to trigger the belly to get rid of waist.
7:45 – bathroom break. Take a 15-20 minute break to visit the bathroom – even if you don’t have to go. Put kid friendly books and magazines in the bathroom. Have your child wear a watch or put a clock in the bathroom to keep track of time. Give a 5 minute warning in a pleasant tone – “hey kiddo, keep an eye on the time and be down here before it hits 8:00.”
8:00 – backpacks ready and shoes on. Head toward the car relaxed and offer words of praise and encouragement to your kids.
In time, your children will learn the schedule and their systems will begin to “poop on schedule”. This can go miles in terms of releasing stress, discomfort and anguish about going to school and getting through the day. You will also find that a morning routine relieves stress for the entire family.
Visit me at www.Therapy-Core.com to learn more about me & Therapy Core
I concentrate on the following:
Individual Therapy
Couples Counseling
Family Therapy
Marriage Counseling
Friday, May 14, 2010
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